Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Hour 9: Drink respons-hic-ly

My dear readers, I am not proud to present you with this piece of writing. However, for the educational intent of this blog, I should not omit any events in my life as a cell. I suggest you read the rest out loud should you wish to understand a word that was said.

Deer dairy,

I was abaut to right a posssst but-hic-then samfing magical hapnnnd. Brief pose to sway in the rythm of the heart. Brief pause to laugh histerically at how the word ‘blog’ sounds like ‘blob’ and that’s so funny. Extra brief pause to continue hysterical giggling because I can’t remember why we are laughing, and that’s funny too. May host decyded to go and partieiei (I don’t know what that means) HOW-EVER ai fink that… brief pause while attempting to regain train of thought. Brief pause laughing at the expression ‘train of thought’.  Rite, I fink dat she met my deeerest new bestest buddy called, weight, wat’sss your naime again? Ohh-hic, rite: ACETALDEHYDE. Only Brief pause to laugh at how funny this whole event is shi didn’t no! Shi had noooo adia that mai baddy ACETALDEHYDE was coming, be-hic-cause More laughter, you get the drill she fought shi was juuust drinking alcahol!! So shi drank alcahol, ai fink shi call-hic-ed it WAYNE (whaaay wud you call a drink WAYNE), and then the bloooood star-ted smelling funny an den it aaaaalll went reeeaaalllyy calm, nd den ACETALDEHYDE came!! Brief pause to hug Acetaldehyde and tell him how much he is the bestest buddiest ever. Hey guys –hic- guys!! LISSTEN to mi, its important. What you didn’t no, is dat whenever you drink WAYNE or ALCAHOL, mai buddy Acy heeer comes, aaand you no what he das? No? Tell him Acy!! Brief pause to try and force ‘acy’ to speak to no avail. Acy is, afterall, only a molecule. FAINE, Ai attempts to point at itself only to realise it doesn’t have arms will tell dem. Acy heer, makes cells laik ME! Brief pause to dance to ‘I’m sexy and I know it’ because ‘wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-yeah’) It heyds in wayne and den cams to healthy-hic-cellssss (whu are sooo boooring, dey NEVER party) and den it messes up their DNA UNTIL dey becom cancer too. Brief pause to await response to this monumental statement. Brief pause to realise ‘Acy’ is actually quite sexy. Hey Acy-hic, did-I mention, you are so hot you are causing a fever? Sleazy smile with half-closed eyes. You know which I mean.

I have decided to not report the rest of the experience as for your educational purposes (and the maintenance of a slither of my dignity), that bit was more than enough. But don’t worry, you didn't miss much. Most of the rest was an incomprehensible and deeply embarrassing slur. However, just in case you missed the not so subliminal message behind the enthusiastic mispronounced words I just reported above, here is a quick summary: alcohol contains a substance named ‘acetaldehyde’ which can cause DNA damage in cells. Still lost? Drinking alcohol can cause cells to become like me and my cancer cell ‘buddies’. With every drink, you increase your risk of cancer. Humans, is it really worth it? Drink responsibly. Or really, do yourself a favor, and just don't. I'm going to have a nap.


1 comment:

  1. This is one of my favourite posts, sooo funny!! :D No more alcohol for me ;)